The first time can be overwhelming — it’s a big deal, emotionally and physically, and so it may be a good idea to avoid, at least to begin with, getting too complicated or fancy.
But a big part of the equation is simply her getting comfortable. That, as her partner, is your job as well. Being nervous can tense her up and make the big first night fall flat before it even starts. No one wants either of you to be experiencing anything other than excitement and pleasure, and the first time can and should bring all that. “Don’t start at the far end of the Kama Sutra!” says Carol Queen, Ph.D. Good Vibrations staff sexologist. Also consider waiting on the positions that allow the deepest penetration (like legs-over-the-shoulders missionary). This is her first time at bat, you can get to the fancy stuff later.
But most of all, a virgin ought to be very aroused before penetration (this is true of any and all intercourse, pretty much, but especially first time). So, no quickies. No wham-bam in the van. This is about making the effort. The reason why: “Arousal causes the genitals to undergo physical changes that make insertion feel better. Insufficient arousal will probably equal pain with intercourse, and this is not a good way to begin a partnered sex life; some women never get over the experience of having a painful loss of virginity,” says Queen. The turn-on is the single most important element of this night (besides consent), and if the turn-on is high, the choice of sex positions may not matter quite so much.
While we’re at it, it’s important to note that “virginity” is a subjective and cultural term. “For many North Americans, ‘virgin’ often refers to those who have yet to have experienced penile-vaginal penetration; however, this is a very limiting definition, as many people (e.g. gay men, lesbian women, women who don’t enjoy penetration, but engage in other activities) have active sex lives in the absence of P-V penetration. They’re obviously not virgins,” says Dr. Jess, Astroglide’s resident sexologist.
What precedes penetration is likely more important that the positions themselves, as well. “The prelude that will make for a hot experience might include, says Dr. Jess:
- Talking about and coordinating birth control and safer sex practices so you have less to worry about during the sexual experience
- Talking about your likes, dislikes and boundaries with your partner
- Getting riled up (through relaxation, touch, dirty talk, fantasy, toys, etc.) so that you’re highly aroused before penetration. Sex shouldn’t be painful (unless you want it to be, but that’s an entirely different topic), so if it hurts, it’s possible that you need to slow down and work on arousal over penetration.
As for the main act, there’s a lot of directions you can take this which will feel amazing for both of you. And both of you should be having fun, always. “For any of these positions, make sure to start with plenty of foreplay so both partners can ease into penetration. The key to enjoyable first-time sex is preparation. There are several elements of foreplay that will make the first time better, but the most important is lubrication. Performing oral on each other will get you both ready, but still don’t forget to add some lube to the mix!” says Tristan Weedmark, We-Vibe’s Global Passion Ambassador.
There’ll be plenty of time to try those fancier, or more gymnastic or athletic positions. The first time, it’s important to ease into the basics. For many couples, the best way to ease into vaginal penetration is this classic position. “Intimacy and eye contact are natural components of sex and in missionary position both partners get to feel comfortable and connected. Because the guy will have more control over the pace, she’ll need to be sure to communicate what feels good,” says Weedmark.
2. Backdoor Planking
It may sound like a yoga position — and it sort of is — but this is also a great variant for beginner sex. “Backdoor planking is a modified doggy style that still provides the sensation of having sex from behind without the deep cervical penetration that could feel uncomfortable for a beginner,” says Tyomi Morgan, sex educator/sexuality coach. In this position, the female partner lies on her stomach with two pillows positioned under her pelvis and her partner straddles her legs to position himself closely to her vagina for rear entry. In this position the female partner can lie comfortably while the male partner can access her vagina easily and take things slow while increasing his depth as she gives permission.
We love spooning because it lends to intimacy and a deeper connection. Sex in the spooning position makes both partners feel close to each other, and that’s why it’s also great for first time sex when one or both of you may be feeling somewhat nervous. “Penetration is relatively shallow in this position and spooning allows easy access to stimulate her clitoris and breasts. Plus, afterwards you’re in a great position to enjoy a post-sex nap,” says Weedmark.
4. The Butterfly
Just because you are treading carefully doesn’t mean you can’t experiment a little to find the groove that works for you. That’s part of the fun. And the key to success is that she is very, very turned on. And that means concentrate on sex positions that are geared toward her pleasure, like the butterfly. “I very often suggest [this position] for virgins. She lays on her back with her hips off the bed. Her legs can either be wrapped around his hips, her feet can be flat on the floor or she can have her knees bent up to her breasts. This position allows for her to control the angle of penetration with her hips and both of them have hands free to explore one another and make sure the clitoris isn’t ignored. Plus he can control the depth and speed of penetration that works for them both. This position also promotes intimacy through ease of eye gazing and kissing which can be especially important your first time and it promotes communication because you see one another’s responses to stimulation,” says Dr. Kat Van Kirk, a licensed marriage and sex therapist, resident sex expert for Adam & Eve.
“One of the best sex positions for virgins is the butterfly for sure,” agrees Mauro D’Andrea of Efficacious Seduction. This position allows you to stay in control, keeps both of your hands free and doesn’t stimulate you too much; all great things for a virgin. If she is enjoying herself, you will as well.
5. Girl On Top
Girl on top positions are always a winner — especially if you like to get a great view. However, it’s also a great way to let her control the pleasure and how things proceed, and allows for endless modifications. “When the girl is on top, it gives her the ability to control how deep and fast she is penetrated,” says Weedmark. Remember, it’s all about comfort! The guy, meanwhile, will enjoy taking in the view.